Sisters

This post is long overdue. I've been wanting to document the amazing story about my half sister, but it's so big that I was waiting for some wisdom to help me process it. As it turns out, I don't have any, so I'll just do the best I can.

My 33rd birthday ended up being one I'll never forget.

My parents came to town to watch Evie while Matt and I went up to Philadelphia for a wedding. On Friday before we left town, my mom said she had something to tell me. My dad took Evie out as my mom sat down with me, placing an envelope on the table. She took out a letter and told me that when she was 19, she had a baby and put her up for adoption. I have a half-sister I never knew about. My poor mom was completely terrified to tell me, still carrying the heavy burden of shame and guilt she'd held on to for 46 years.

A few months prior, the adoption agency contacted my mom to see if she would accept a letter from her daughter. Although she was terrified of what might happen, my mom agreed and was so relieved upon receiving Rene's letter. In it, Rene explained that while she had always been curious about her birth mother, it wasn't until having her children that she fully appreciated the sacrifice my mom made and felt compelled to find her and thank her.

It was indeed an enormous sacrifice and the beginning of the story is profoundly sad. My mom grew up in a devout Catholic family in a small town in Oklahoma and when she became pregnant, she went to live with her older sister in another city and rarely left her house for the next 8 months. She was told nothing about the birthing process, which understandably ended up being traumatic. The day after giving birth, a nun came for my mom in the recovery room and told her it was time to say goodbye to her baby. She was to know nothing more about the child and was not even allowed to find out if she was ever adopted. For 46 years my mom had nightmares of her baby crying all alone with no one to love her. It's impossible to comprehend that pain.

Thankfully, that was far from the truth and she was adopted by a loving couple who had tried unsuccessfully for 6 years to have a baby. Rene is impossibly kind, sweet and big-hearted and I am ecstatic to call her my sister.

In February, my (full) sister and I flew down to Texas to meet her. I got there a day early and had a chance to spend some one-on-one time with her. I wasn't nervous, but definitely didn't know what to expect. I certainly didn't expect to look at her for the first time and immediately feel like I'd known her my entire life. The connection was instant. We spent the weekend telling stories and comparing traits. We talked about my mom's story and how thankful we are. There were a lot of hugs and tears. It's remarkable how much I love her already. I can only compare it to the instant bond I had upon meeting Evie for the first time. She also has an awesome husband and three hilarious boys and we're planning a time for our two families to meet.

Discovering a half-sibling may be pretty epic, but day to day life with a 2.5 year old is filled with plenty of drama of its own. Our girl is usually funny and sweet, but she's not immune to the occasional mega-meltdown. It would be easy to pass off as a case of terrible twos, but the sources of her frustration would send any rational human into a screaming rage. Recent examples would include my inability to translate for Jack (YOU TELL ME WHAT HE'S SAYIN!!!!!!) and the infuriating reality that the sun doesn't have a face (BUT WHERE IS IT?!!!?).

She also has good ideas. Because my mom will eat bruised bananas, Evie decided that "Nana likes gross things" and often offers suggestions for gifts, like Jack's poop or molded cheese. While those are in fact delightful presents, they wouldn't be appropriate for a birthday. For that, Evie had other plans. I walked in on her brushing the inside of the toilet bowl with her toothbrush and when I angrily asked what she was thinking, her eyes filled with tears and in the most genuine tone explained to me that she just wanted to give something special to Nana for her birthday. I thought it was precious... Nana didn't seem to agree.

And now for a lengthy photo dump:

After meeting Rene in Houston, I met my parents and Evie in Orlando. Matt met us later. Here we are at the luau, where Evie perfected her ability to be both hyper and adorable.

Not now, Mom.

Enamored with Pooh. Not so enamored with Eeyore, "because he's sad." She refused to hug him. Incidentally, I'm doing a stellar job of teaching her the importance of empathy. 

Not pleased with the princess float. On a recent visit, Evie told my mom she was no longer allowed to call her "Princess" and suggested "Ladybug" instead. Good choice, Evie.

Overcoming fears! She was so brave she wanted to ride twice.

She spent about 5 minutes telling the Easter Bunny what she wanted. First on the list were the "Ay Chihuahuas," inspired by her love of Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, and also some "Easter Bunny things."

Evie can now dress herself! Hot for 2013: shorts that can also double as skirts.

back view

Easter excitement

nope.

Not pregnant. It sucks. We're so exhausted by this process and very ready to put all of this behind us. We have two frozen embryos and I'd like to transfer those ASAP so we can finally move on, with or without a baby. Hopefully the frosties will bring us better news, but at this point I'm just ready to get it done so we can stop focusing on it.

We have a lot of happy things to think about too. An old friend from my Disney days will be in NC for a conference in a couple of weeks. She lives in Montana and we've only seen each other once in the past 9 years, but somehow we've remained really close. The week after that, I will be flying to Houston to meet my half sister! From Houston I'll fly to Tampa, where Matt will be taking the Florida bar while Evie and I play in the sun. That sweet guy also surprised me with a trip for our 5th anniversary this year and we've decided to use miles to go to Paris (the one and only benefit of all his business travel)! We'll have 3-4 days in Paris and plan to take the train up to Bruges for one night. I'm so incredibly excited.

As I've mentioned once or twice, Evie is a constant source of joy. The other day, totally out of the blue, she cupped my chin in her little hands, leaned in so our noses were touching and her eyes were looking directly into mine and gently said, "do you know how much I love you?" I completely melted. But don't worry, she does balance out the sweetness every once in a while. Later that same day she said, "You need to put on some make up, Daryin (Darling). You need it really, really much."

Now for a photo dump:

Transfer

We're back from transfer! What a week. I didn't update, but on Thursday we received a call from the embryologist giving us our 3-day update of the embryos. It was spectacular news: we still had 15 that were doing great! They were all between 7 and 9 cells, which is right on track. I know from experience and research how these situations can turn on a dime and your luck can change in an instant, but I admit I started to feel really optimistic about the possibility of having a bundle of good backups, should this cycle not work out.

Despite the ice storm and reports of treacherous road conditions, we were told to be at the clinic this morning at 8:30. We allowed 45 minutes for a 15 minute drive and while our neighborhood was a sheet of ice, the rest of the roads were fine and we made it safely.

Once at the clinic, my anxiety began to build, but finally the embryologist came to give us the the day's crop report. The fantastic news is that the little guy chosen for today's transfer was a rockstar Grade A embryo (called a Blastocyst at this stage). The bad news is that 11 of the other 14 didn't make it and the remaining 3 are of questionable quality. They are still in the Morula stage and haven't turned into Blastocysts yet, which isn't a good sign. The embryologist will check them tomorrow and freeze any that have turned into Blastocysts at that point.

I'm thrilled to have a great quality embryo in my belly, but there's about a 50% chance that the embryo will implant and I'll become pregnant, so I would have loved a better backup. We're at a very familiar place at this point; very reminiscent of Evie's cycle. Let's hope it turns out the same way! We'll know in just over a week. I'd appreciate all the prayers, good thoughts, and happy implanting vibes you can muster!

I know it's common for mothers to think their blastocysts are the cutest, but I think we can all agree that ours is objectively the most adorable. Snuggle in, little buddy! 

Sweet 16

The great news continues! We had egg retrieval yesterday and got 33 eggs. 33!!! Matt was able to be there with me, which was awesome. Anesthesia actually worked and the process went as smoothly as it could have. Recovery since then has been very rough. I went on a vomiting spree yesterday and have been unable to keep down pain meds, which is a little cruel, but I'm alright if I stay on the couch without moving. I've been able to eat a few small meals today, so hopefully that trend continues and I can regain my strength.

This morning we got more incredible news: of the 33 eggs, 19 were mature and 16 of those fertilized with ICSI (a method where they inject the egg with a single, healthy sperm). I'm terrified to be hopeful, but these numbers are awesome! Typically, 30% of embryos survive from fertilization to the 5 day transfer, so if that holds true for us we will be ecstatic. They'll check in on the little guys on Thursday, so I'll be holding my breath until then. My transfer is scheduled for Saturday and they'll just be transferring one. I have very a high likelihood of developing OHSS, which is made worse by the pregnancy hormone, making a twin pregnancy very dangerous.

My great-grandparents had 16 children, so I'll take this as a sign of good luck!

cluck cluck

I had an awesome appointment this morning! I was sick with anxiety this morning and feeling weepy on the drive over (thank you modern science for pumping me full of hormones to ensure I'm emotionally unstable during an extremely stressful process); I just knew we would see a goose egg again. Incredibly, the opposite happened and I had so many follicles growing that the nurse ran out of space to record them! I was shocked and absolutely thrilled! Even better, there's a really good chance that retrieval will be scheduled for Monday, which would likely mean that I could be accompanied by my very own husband! We'll find out for sure on Saturday. There is a concern that I could develop OHSS because I have so many follicles growing, but I'll gladly deal with that if it means I have a lot of (hopefully good) eggs at retrieval!

I also want to thank LeapFrog's Phonics Farm episode for providing the soundtrack to today's events. It was certainly an enhancement to my experience to hear "Letter Sound Hoedown" relentlessly on repeat in my brain while I waited nervously in the chair. I highly encourage those of you with toddlers to watch the whole LeapFrog series so we can bond through discussions of the amazingly annoying characters and songs. The Amazing Alphabet Amusement Park should provide a good jumping off point.

The kids wore pajamas to preschool to study hibernation.

Cutest little bear

We didn't expect to celebrate such a remarkable achievement this early in her life: Evie's bear won the "Largest Bear" award at preschool during Bear Week. This certainly eclipses any other news we may have received today. Please don't allow jealousy or excessive admiration to change the way you treat us.

IVF

Lots of news! I went to my surgeon last week and he gave me the green light to start IVF! Three doctors with three different diagnoses and his was definitely my favorite. I do have a fracture in my wrist, but it's possible I won't need surgery and even if I do, it's one that can be done while pregnant, should I be so lucky.

I jumped right in and have been on on 2 shots a day for the past 5 days and I've got my first ultrasound on Thursday. That's the one where we struck out on our last cycle, so I expect all of you to keep your fingers crossed until then so that we get good news. Otherwise it will likely be the end of the road for this journey.

Matt left on Sunday for a trial in Kentucky that will last for several weeks. We miss him lots. It also means I will go through all of the steps in the IVF process alone. I get to give myself all my shots and will even do my egg retrieval husband-less. Considering the fact that my anesthesia didn't work for my last retrieval, it's not ideal. Thankfully, a sweet friend has offered to go with me for 3 of the 4 days it will likely occur, so I just need to find a willing volunteer to cover the last.

As for Evie, she's definitely entered into a new chapter of communication. We have actual conversations and it's amazing to hear her accounts of the world. The incessant "what's it called," "what does ___ start with?" and "what did ___ do that for" questions can get tiresome, but I do love the spontaneous discussions that result.
E: Do bugs talk?
M: No, I don't think so.
E: I think that sometimes they do. Do trees talk?
M: I don't think they can talk either.
E: Yeah, cause they don't have mouths.

The other day, the three of us were arriving back home and Matt started knocking on the door saying, "Jack! Open up! Come unlock the door for us!" Evie, coming to the sad realization that her father is kind of an idiot, said, "He can't. Jack doesn't have hands, you 'member?"

And finally yesterday I was able to fill in the "Baby's First Condescending Phrase" box in her baby book. She was dragging a kitchen chair into the living room so I said, "We have chairs in here and you can sit with me. Let's leave it, ok?" to which she responded, "Oh, that's so sweet. But no, let's don't." Her tone dripped with condescension. Hilarious!

M: "Jack, you look so silly!"
E: "No he doesn't! He looks beeeautiful!"

October 23rd was my last post and couple of things have happened since then... Evie developed an obsession with Annie and has delighted us with frequent renditions of "Tomowow," Matt decided to become serious about his frequent flier miles collection and went on seemingly constant work trips, and as for me, well, I've been working on my ability to stay sane. Here's a little recap of my past two months: I discovered I have a half-sister, my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, I fell at Disney World and need wrist surgery and because of that, our long-awaited IVF cycle is indefinitely delayed. Yeah. Everything I listed was unexpected and a lot to deal with, but I should be clear that the discovery of my half-sister has been nothing short of wonderful. I will write a separate post for that story, but she is a remarkable person and I'm thrilled to have her as a part of my life. I've felt pretty defeated and anxious about what 2013 will bring, but there's still quite a bit to make me smile.

For example, as I write this, Evie is covering Jack with our dishtowels and "Jack, don't move a mushroom! I'm packin' you up for Christmas. I'm packin' you up with the Christmas tree and that's the DEAL! You're a Christmas dog now." Her ability to communicate has taken off and she is constantly making us laugh.

Now for a photo recap of the past couple of months:

My little Halloween Lamb

I know, I know. But they're really fun and easy! And certain members of the family are forced to disconnect from beloved iPhones and laptops! 

Sweetest Santa ever. Evie's anxiety was building as we got closer in line and she started to cling to me and cry when it was her turn to see him. He got off his chair and knelt down at her level, gently talking to her and then she voluntarily climbed on his lap and chatted with him for several minutes. Not a big deal for most kids, but quite a big deal for our reserved girl!

Ended the vacation with a bang.

Snuggle buddies. She has very specific mandates about who gets to sleep with her and where they must be placed.

Let the 2012 Holiday Sugar Rush commence! From this day forth, I promise to skip all naps and become progressively unreasonable and moody as the day goes on!

Making cookies!

Love.

Best night ever. On the first night of Christmas vacation, I returned to the living room after putting Evie down to this amazing spread. Of camera was a fire in the fireplace and Sound of Music on the television. Perfection.

Evie's clever Christmas tag anagrams.

my cuties

Evie carefully chose gifts for us at the Dollar Store. For Matt, she chose a Professional Series fuzzy yellow duck pen, possibly crafted specifically for Litigators, a pink plastic Hippo hat and a magic towel shaped like a soccer ball. I love the expressions here. Evie, so anxious and excited to see if her gifts were a hit and Matt whose face says it all!

Modeling the hippo hat. A perfect fit!

As Evie would say, "Happy New Year! Merry Christmas to you! And Happy Birthday."