I was hoping for a different update today, but my blood test confirmed that this cycle was a flop.
When we started again down this path, I was hopeful and rational. I knew that statistics weren't on our side, particularly with these injectable cycles, and planned to just put one foot in front of the other, hoping it would work out. I wouldn't become too emotionally involved in the process, reminding myself that we'd be lucky for it to work. Oh, how delightfully naive! The truth is that it's impossible not to become emotionally invested. I spent an entire month experiencing pain and facing fears, nurturing my body as though it were pregnant. The medication I was taking made me experience morning sickness, headaches, and a long list of other more subtle pregnancy symptoms. With each one that popped up, it was impossible not to wonder if it was the real thing, because there is no way to distinguish between the two. The worst came when I got a positive pregnancy test and was elated, only to discover my body was ridiculously slow to metabolize the HCG (pregnancy hormone) from the ovulation trigger shot.
I hope that this cycle will be less of an emotional roller coaster and that I can be more in control of how invested I become, but I know it's impossible. Obviously, if I truly believed these cycles weren't likely to work there's no way I would inject myself with burning medication that produces migraines and stomach aches, and I wouldn't be stoked about carrying Schrödinger's Cat in my belly for two weeks, hoping every day that I'd find it alive. This cycle forced me to acknowledge how much I want another baby and how scared I am that it won't happen. But on we trod, hoping for the best!
The good news is that I've found a foolproof way to lift my spirits. I just pull up any photo of a beautiful woman and ask Evie who she sees. The answer is almost always "Mama," and I choose to ignore the fact that she responds the same way to mildly deformed or otherwise unattractive women. This is a phase that must not end!
More happy, photo-filled updates to come! Evie's been a doll lately, making us laugh constantly. I love that girl!!!
When we started again down this path, I was hopeful and rational. I knew that statistics weren't on our side, particularly with these injectable cycles, and planned to just put one foot in front of the other, hoping it would work out. I wouldn't become too emotionally involved in the process, reminding myself that we'd be lucky for it to work. Oh, how delightfully naive! The truth is that it's impossible not to become emotionally invested. I spent an entire month experiencing pain and facing fears, nurturing my body as though it were pregnant. The medication I was taking made me experience morning sickness, headaches, and a long list of other more subtle pregnancy symptoms. With each one that popped up, it was impossible not to wonder if it was the real thing, because there is no way to distinguish between the two. The worst came when I got a positive pregnancy test and was elated, only to discover my body was ridiculously slow to metabolize the HCG (pregnancy hormone) from the ovulation trigger shot.
I hope that this cycle will be less of an emotional roller coaster and that I can be more in control of how invested I become, but I know it's impossible. Obviously, if I truly believed these cycles weren't likely to work there's no way I would inject myself with burning medication that produces migraines and stomach aches, and I wouldn't be stoked about carrying Schrödinger's Cat in my belly for two weeks, hoping every day that I'd find it alive. This cycle forced me to acknowledge how much I want another baby and how scared I am that it won't happen. But on we trod, hoping for the best!
The good news is that I've found a foolproof way to lift my spirits. I just pull up any photo of a beautiful woman and ask Evie who she sees. The answer is almost always "Mama," and I choose to ignore the fact that she responds the same way to mildly deformed or otherwise unattractive women. This is a phase that must not end!
More happy, photo-filled updates to come! Evie's been a doll lately, making us laugh constantly. I love that girl!!!
This post is beautiful in all it's honesty and humor, only you could write like this. Love you
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