Lots has happened in the 3 months since I started completely neglecting this blog and led you on with promises of party pictures that never arrived. We've gone on a few little trips together, Matt's gone on a lot of work trips without us, we've gained a new niece/cousin, Evie turned 2, we went through another unsuccessful injectables cycle, are preparing to begin IVF in a few weeks and I got my job back (sort of) at Burt's Bees! Whew!
The timing for the job could not be better. It gives me something to be excited about doing when Evie is away at preschool. I know this is not usually a popular opinion, but these past two years have been the best of my life and I've been mourning the passing of her baby years when she needed so much of my nurturing. It sucks when you discover that your dream job is something available to you for a very limited number of years. Evie's entry into preschool is another reminder that my presence isn't as critical as it once was and I need to start refocusing on what to do with my life, something that made me feel indifferent at best, until this job came along. It will also be crucial for my self worth and motivation should we fall into the unhappy 40% of those who aren't successful with IVF. I'm sure the pixie dust will disperse after a while, but right now I'm really excited to be working with friends again doing projects that are challenging and fun at a company whose mission I genuinely support. They say I can work from the office or from home for as many hours as I am available. Pretty incredible deal, if it works out!
Back at my old desk! Even Gumby was still there to greet me!
Starting School
The other day, seemingly out of the blue, Evie burst into tears and when I asked why she was crying said through sobs, "I don't want to go to school!" She repeats frequently that she is "just scared, not excited" to go. It feels like the more I try to talk about how great it will be, the more she frets. She knows "Mama will always come back" and pick her up when it's over, but when I ask why she's scared, she usually just gets teary and says, "Because Mama's gone." Rip my heart out.
A big camera provides a pretty good mask for hiding teary eyes, as it turns out.
I can't blame her for having big emotions since no one has to do too much searching to discover who she inhereted them from. I couldn't even keep it together in her last music class. In my defense, she'd been attending for the whole year and it was significant for us because it was the first activity we did together. I was practically giddy on the first day, so excited to be dancing around like a fool with my daughter. It was the picture of what I'd always imagined motherhood would look like and I was finally getting to do it! Our last day had come more quickly than I would have liked, but I was (mostly) fine until they started playing "When You Wish Upon a Star," Evie's favorite, when the parachute came out. "Mama, listen! It's Dis-a-ney World!" And suddenly I couldn't ignore the flood of emotions and all of the thoughts about how, for me, this marked the end of her babyhood. And now we're on the cusp of her beginning school and neither of us are handling it well. It's been really hard on me and I haven't really processed all of the reasons why, but it mostly boils down to the fact that I have never been so content and happy as I have during my time staying at home with Evie and this is the beginning of the end to that. The positive about it all is that it's another reminder to cherish my time with her and try to have big days that will create memories for both of us (with the downside including me getting choked up during readings of "Llama Llama Misses Mama"). For better or worse, there's a part of me that sees IVF as my last chance at creating a time machine so I can experience all of this again. Oh, I hope it works...
Here's a photo dump from the past few months:
just lookin' cute.
We took her to Matt's cousin's farm to see the horses, but she was most interested in the dog.
Llama kisses
Enjoying the rain storm on the 4th of July
"On da shoulders" on a trip to Marbles
All accessorized for a walk outside. Wool hats on 90 degree days are a fashion must.
Having fun at Atlantic Beach
Water Baby in Nana's pool
I like this one because I captured the way Matt looks in my head when I close my eyes and picture his face.
just sweet.
Getting creative with her choice of canvas.
Tea Party! Becca will be glad I posted this on the internet.
Matt has
been prepping for trial for what feels like a couple of decades and
things have gotten pretty lonely around the Lee house. His trial starts
on Monday and could last for a few weeks, so I made a decision to make a
short, impromptu getaway to Orlando to visit friends and a mouse or
two. It beats sitting around an empty house, but we'll sure miss Matt.
Tonight we met him for dinner and when we left, Evie said, "See Dada
again? Dada hold me?" Me too, Evie.
It's been a long time since my last post! Since then we made a
journey out west, visited the NC Zoo and trudged through another failed
fertility treatment cycle, during which I had the opportunity to become
acquainted with a piece of surgical equipment shaped like this guy,
only less adorable. I'm trying to think of these more as learning
opportunities and chances to tweak the next cycle for a better outcome.
Hopefully it will pay off in the end, but at least we'll know we gave it
our best shot.
Thankfully, Evie has made the situation much more bearable by constantly
making me laugh. She's expressing herself more clearly and saying
the cutest things. Today, she advised Jack (Dat) to, "be a good boy! I wuff
uuuuuuu!" In a more frustrating but still funny incident, I was making muffins and she kept asking for a bite. I told her I had to make them first and she said, "No make dem! Eat dem!" And this conversation was heard earlier in the week:
Evie: No, no, Dada! Dats a bad boy!
Molly: Evie, no bossing!
Evie: Dada, no bossin'!
Matt: That's called "irony," Evie.
Some pictures for ya:
downtown Steamboat
Hot springs-fed pool in Steamboat
evaluating the zoo exhibits
She asked me to take a "pitchoo" of her in front of the lion. I love the expression.
Love. This.
Evie's outfit, picked out all by herself. Marie's expression says it all.
Wuff u, Dat.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
This post will be heavy on pictures, but we had a great Easter celebration!
Dyeing eggs for the Easter Bunny
I've been decorating Evie's basket for a few weeks now. I plan to add an animal or two each year. Behind it is carrot we left for the Easter Bunny. Evie was pretty impressed the next morning to find evidence that he'd nibbled on it!
the stage is set.
a victorious hunt
The Easter Bunny checking on our egg-hunting progress. He left unimpressed.
Hold me, Two Thumpers
Evie had another big event on Sunday--she slept in her new toddler bed! The first night was a little rocky with two lengthy wake-ups, but she's been sleeping like a pro ever since. That is, until I wrote that sentence. I can now hear the unmistakeable sounds of a little girl pulling toys out of her closet when she should be napping. Well, at least I got one good night out of her...
Thank you, Craigslist!
She can now count to thirteen! Not on command, but on the stairs she will count to "dirteen", then repeat "poteen, yiteen, poteen, yiteen." I have no idea where she learned this! She put her skills to work yesterday when she requested "yiteen" crackers.
Every night we read books in the rocking chair and always finish with Goodnight Moon. That's Evie's cue that it's time for bed, and she wiggles her way through the story, trying to find a good snuggling position for when I rock her. She apparently does listen because last night she said, "E read it!" and opened the book to the last page and said "Goonight noise everywhere." Clever girl!
Exchange at Mellow Mushroom the other night:
M- "Evie, do you know I love you?"
E - "Buh boy, Mama." (pats my head and leans in for a kiss)
She does that sort of thing a lot. I'll be so sad when she stops calling me a good/bad boy!
Our flight leaves Saturday at 6am for Denver. Yikes. It will be a grueling day of travel with a long flight followed by a long drive, but hopefully it will be better than our last trip out west when Evie refused to sleep for 36 hours!
It's been a while! I've had some design work that has kept my attention during my downtime, so the blog suffers. But Evie and I have been busy. One of her favorite activities is dancing and her musicians of choice are the Wiggles or "aWeeawoos." We've been taking a dance/music class for several months now and while my progress has stagnated, she's really taking off! One of her favorite dancing songs is Rock-a-bye Your Bear, as seen below (I would have cut the video after the song ended, but my program kept crashing, so my apologies for the length).
When she's not dancing, you might find her eating a Fig Newton ("Wig Newnut") or yelling at Jack for eating one of hers ("No, no, NAWWWW! Bad Bo-EEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"). Or repeating one of the following phrases:
"Hold me, _________"
Usually, she's asking someone to hold her, and will use this phrase to request a loved one's presence. Several times a day, I hear "Hold me, Nana?" or Dada or Baboo. Favorite examples:
"Hold me, home?" - while tired of running errands
"Hold me, Mamo Hand" - while in the bath, hugging tenderly her sponge shaped like Mickey's hand
"Hold me, more cheese?" - while in Whole Foods
"Hold me, moon?" - her obsession with the moon continues
"Dat NOISE!?!"
These days she asks for an explanation of every sound she hears. It's cute to see her interest in the world around her and I enjoy the chance to teach her about it. Funniest Example:
Evie, after pooting loudly: Dat NOISE!?!
M: Yeah, Evie, what was that noise?
E: Roar (thunder).
As has been previously mentioned, she also loves scolding people, animals and inanimate objects (this morning her sippy got an earful for spilling milk). While it can get tiresome to be the subject of it, it's hilarious on the whole. I do hear "No, no, Ma! Bad BoyEEEEE" quite a bit, but luckily it's balanced by plenty of "Buh Boy, Ma" (Good Boy, Ma) with pats on my head. The other day, she started dumping buckets of water out of the tub and when I sternly told her to stop, she said, "Yeah!! No, NO, Baff!!!" She's a creative deflector. She has started training us in etiquette as well. The other night Matt burped loudly and Evie said, "Duse me, Dada!" (Excuse me, Dada), which cracked us up!
Unfortunately, our plans for baby #2 have been put on a temporary (hopefully brief) hold. I went in for a baseline ultrasound a few weeks ago, intending to start my next round of treatment. However, they discovered a complication created by the previous treatment and now we have to wait it out until my body decides it's ready. I always seem to be on the wrong side of the statistics! I have another monitoring appointment in a few weeks, so hopefully we'll see some improvement by that point. We need to take advantage of the insurance coverage we have before we lose it when our plan changes this summer!
Next week we're off to Steamboat with Matt's family, so we'll be celebrating Easter this weekend. Evie's getting pretty pumped about the Easter Bunny's visit, but I seriously doubt she's as excited about it as I am. Pictures to come!
I was hoping for a different update today, but my blood test confirmed that this cycle was a flop.
When we started again down this path, I was hopeful and rational. I knew that statistics weren't on our side, particularly with these injectable cycles, and planned to just put one foot in front of the other, hoping it would work out. I wouldn't become too emotionally involved in the process, reminding myself that we'd be lucky for it to work. Oh, how delightfully naive! The truth is that it's impossible not to become emotionally invested. I spent an entire month experiencing pain and facing fears, nurturing my body as though it were pregnant. The medication I was taking made me experience morning sickness, headaches, and a long list of other more subtle pregnancy symptoms. With each one that popped up, it was impossible not to wonder if it was the real thing, because there is no way to distinguish between the two. The worst came when I got a positive pregnancy test and was elated, only to discover my body was ridiculously slow to metabolize the HCG (pregnancy hormone) from the ovulation trigger shot.
I hope that this cycle will be less of an emotional roller coaster and that I can be more in control of how invested I become, but I know it's impossible. Obviously, if I truly believed these cycles weren't likely to work there's no way I would inject myself with burning medication that produces migraines and stomach aches, and I wouldn't be stoked about carrying Schrödinger's Cat in my belly for two weeks, hoping every day that I'd find it alive. This cycle forced me to acknowledge how much I want another baby and how scared I am that it won't happen. But on we trod, hoping for the best!
The good news is that I've found a foolproof way to lift my spirits. I just pull up any photo of a beautiful woman and ask Evie who she sees. The answer is almost always "Mama," and I choose to ignore the fact that she responds the same way to mildly deformed or otherwise unattractive women. This is a phase that must not end!
More happy, photo-filled updates to come! Evie's been a doll lately, making us laugh constantly. I love that girl!!!
