Shopping Buddy

We just returned from Target, where Evie had me in stitches:

M: That's a cute sweater.

E: Oooooh! Try it on!

M: (laughing) Ok!

E: BUY IT!!!! BUY IT!!!

Matt is in trouble!


And now for a picture dump:

the proud artist

Not so sure about riding solo...

This entourage accompanies us wherever we go. She can NOT leave the house without that pumpkin purse! 

Cutest mad face ever.

The corn pit at Hill Ridge Farms was a HUGE hit. She was laughing the whole time...

...until it was time to get out.

bad news.

This will be my first blog entry in which I'll find it very difficult not to curse. Those words just feel the most fitting right now. 

We had our first monitoring appointment yesterday and it didn't go well, to say the least. I had been really excited about it because my belly felt so full--a great sign! I'd endured several nights of shots that I'd given to myself (my personal nightmare, for those who are unaware of my former phobia of needles), and now came the fun part. It would be our first indication of how the rest of the cycle would go. So the ultrasound began and the only thing visible on the screen looked like a large black mass. Where we should have seen lots of little follicles, there was just a giant void. Oh ovaries, aren't you clever with your perfect little metaphors. Turns out that instead of having lots of small to medium sized follicles as we would have expected, I had one mega follicle. Not good. In IVF, there are a whole series of hurdles you have to overcome and I busted on the first one. The cycle was cancelled. I was really upset about that, but it got worse. As my doctor later explained, my body's response was indicative of ovarian dysfunction, diminished ovarian reserve, and poor egg quality. Something we've suspected, but this sealed the deal. I've continued to whittle down my status until I've found myself in the most elite class of infertile women. That accomplishment doesn't feel as good as you might imagine. I'm crushed and feeling completely disheartened. 

I don't know what we're going to do going forward and I need to know. I don't do well in limbo. My doctor says he wants to wait to see how this cycle plays out before deciding next steps, but that's not going to work for my sanity. Yesterday he told me that I can convert to either an IUI or timed intercourse for now. My response was, "it doesn't matter what we do, it's not going to work." I guess he thought I was joking because he laughed, but it's true. Tomorrow we have an IUI scheduled, but I'm just going through the steps. I need to know what comes after that. If the odds for conceiving with my new diagnosis are as bad as I'm anticipating, maybe it's time to throw in the towel. It would be heartbreaking for me to give up on something I want so desperately, but I just can't keep doing this. Physically, emotionally, and financially, we can't afford to keep going if the odds aren't in our favor. How bitterly disappointing this process can be.

Yesterday someone told me, "it's not like you've lost something; you just haven't gained anything." I think it must be an impossible concept to grasp unless you've personally faced the inability to have children, but it reminded me of a quote from Laura Bush that really spoke to me:

The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?

portrait of deep gratitude

We have Evie, and words can't express how thankful I am to have that little girl. I am profoundly grateful for her and that has carried me through some really difficult times. Separately, I would love to have more, but obviously I will shift that focus if need be. Figuring that out is our next hurdle. 

Preschool Update

Monday and Thursday mornings are hard. Really hard. I know Evie will adjust to school eventually, but in the meantime, it's been rough.

Evie's first day of school went about as expected. She was a ball of nerves all morning, but hid it well until we made real moves to leave the house. Then the pleading and crying began. As we walked into the school doors, we overheard her reassure her Minnie doll with, "It's ok, Mittie. Don't be scared." I had a lump in my throat, but was determined not to show emotion because I knew that would make it even harder for Evie. Incidentally, I'm not very good at following my own orders. When we got to the doors and she began sobbing, I began to cry too.

I headed off to Burt's, never so thankful to be taking on a project in risk of missing its deadline. The frantic pace was a great distraction. When it was finally time to pick her up, my heart sank at the teacher's report: "It was a rough day. Evie hid a lot and cried off and on all day. She was too upset to eat lunch and hid under the table while everyone else ate." Evie's report was similiar: "I was newvous, not happy. I don't yike it. It was too youd (loud). I missed Mama!" She's been requesting the video I made for her first birthday pretty much constantly. "Mama, can we watch me when I was a yittle, yittle, yittle baby again?" It's fascinating to me that a 2 year old can be nostalgic.

Thankfully, the reports have been slightly more positive each time, with Evie enjoying crafts and music class, though she will completely deny this when it's time to get in the car to start another school day. The mornings haven't gotten any less heartbreaking, so hopefully that will also improve with time.


Tomorrow is a big day. I have my baseline ultrasound to begin IVF and if everything goes as expected, I'll start injections tomorrow night! Then if everything goes smoothly, I'll have my egg retrieval in a couple of weeks. Absolutely crazy. Matt and I have been putting a lot of thought into the embryo transfer and have decided that if we are lucky enough to have high-quality embryos, we'll only transfer one. It reduces our chance of success from 70% to 55%, but we also wouldn't have to worry about the risks that come with twins. It's a really difficult decision to make, but hopefully it's the right one.

Oh! And you guys are really good at praying and sending happy thoughts! The day after I posted my last blog, Matt told me that his trial was postponed until January! What a huge relief.

Here are a few Evie quotes that made me laugh:

Matt and I were talking about doormats and where we should get a new one and Evie cleverly points out that, "We don't have a doormat! We have a Man-Matt!" Good one, Eves!

Staring in the potty: "Mama, poo poo and pee pee are BWEST FWIENDS!"

After seeing a Christmas tree in the background of 101 Dalmatians: "MAMA! IT'S CHRISTMASTIME! WE GOT TO PACK UP AND GO TO CHRISTMAS! COME ON!" That was about a week ago and she's still randomly saying that we need to pack up and go to Christmas because it's, "far, far, faaaaar away." Let's go!

My parents' cat Emmy was put down last week at age 22. Even though this cat was not at all loving to Evie and basically just slept all day, Evie loved her and would talk about her pretty much constantly. I tried my best to explain to her about death and heaven, but I could tell that the concept was too big for Evie to grasp. Yesterday she asked again where Emmy was and I went in to the spiel and when I was done, Evie said, "Yeah. Emmy was really die-ey."

beachy fun

We're back from a quick, refreshing long weekend in Hilton Head. As always, we had a blast, but no one had more fun than Evie. She absolutely loves the beach! When we'd go on walks, she was nothing short of giddy, running in the water and digging in the sand. She wore her puddle jumper in the ocean and the three of us spent a lot of time bobbing in the waves where she would periodically announce: "I'm havin' FUN!" followed by a lot of laughter. She even rode in her first wave on a boogie board with her daddy! Despite the long and stormy drive, it was an awesome trip. 

Today we had our IVF class! It's the first step in the process that is becoming more real by the day. Thankfully, it wasn't as overwhelming as our last IVF class, after which I spent the rest of the day trying not to faint (I was still scared of needles at that point--how adorable). We did get the general schedule, which kind of sucks. Matt has a trial in Kentucky slated to begin on October 16. If all goes as planned, our egg retrieval will likely be somewhere between October 15-18. Not good. If you're the praying type and have been looking for an addition to your list, please pray that Matt's case settles. I found my last IVF cycle to be the most trying experience of my life and I am a bit sick to my stomach about the prospect of going through Egg Retrieval/Embryo Transfer alone. I also accept happy thoughts, well wishes and good vibrations. 

And now, some cute pictures:

(glamourous) snoozing on the drive down

moon walk!

My Little Surfer Girl

The Latest Buzz

Lots has happened in the 3 months since I started completely neglecting this blog and led you on with promises of party pictures that never arrived. We've gone on a few little trips together, Matt's gone on a lot of work trips without us, we've gained a new niece/cousin, Evie turned 2, we went through another unsuccessful injectables cycle, are preparing to begin IVF in a few weeks and I got my job back (sort of) at Burt's Bees! Whew!

The timing for the job could not be better. It gives me something to be excited about doing when Evie is away at preschool. I know this is not usually a popular opinion, but these past two years have been the best of my life and I've been mourning the passing of her baby years when she needed so much of my nurturing. It sucks when you discover that your dream job is something available to you for a very limited number of years. Evie's entry into preschool is another reminder that my presence isn't as critical as it once was and I need to start refocusing on what to do with my life, something that made me feel indifferent at best, until this job came along. It will also be crucial for my self worth and motivation should we fall into the unhappy 40% of those who aren't successful with IVF. I'm sure the pixie dust will disperse after a while, but right now I'm really excited to be working with friends again doing projects that are challenging and fun at a company whose mission I genuinely support. They say I can work from the office or from home for as many hours as I am available. Pretty incredible deal, if it works out!

Back at my old desk! Even Gumby was still there to greet me!

Starting School

The other day, seemingly out of the blue, Evie burst into tears and when I asked why she was crying said through sobs, "I don't want to go to school!" She repeats frequently that she is "just scared, not excited" to go. It feels like the more I try to talk about how great it will be, the more she frets. She knows "Mama will always come back" and pick her up when it's over, but when I ask why she's scared, she usually just gets teary and says, "Because Mama's gone." Rip my heart out. 

A big camera provides a pretty good mask for hiding teary eyes, as it turns out.

I can't blame her for having big emotions since no one has to do too much searching to discover who she inhereted them from. I couldn't even keep it together in her last music class. In my defense, she'd been attending for the whole year and it was significant for us because it was the first activity we did together. I was practically giddy on the first day, so excited to be dancing around like a fool with my daughter. It was the picture of what I'd always imagined motherhood would look like and I was finally getting to do it! Our last day had come more quickly than I would have liked, but I was (mostly) fine until they started playing "When You Wish Upon a Star," Evie's favorite, when the parachute came out. "Mama, listen! It's Dis-a-ney World!" And suddenly I couldn't ignore the flood of emotions and all of the thoughts about how, for me, this marked the end of her babyhood.

And now we're on the cusp of her beginning school and neither of us are handling it well. It's been really hard on me and I haven't really processed all of the reasons why, but it mostly boils down to the fact that I have never been so content and happy as I have during my time staying at home with Evie and this is the beginning of the end to that. The positive about it all is that it's another reminder to cherish my time with her and try to have big days that will create memories for both of us (with the downside including me getting choked up during readings of "Llama Llama Misses Mama"). For better or worse, there's a part of me that sees IVF as my last chance at creating a time machine so I can experience all of this again. Oh, I hope it works...

Here's a photo dump from the past few months:

just lookin' cute.

We took her to Matt's cousin's farm to see the horses, but she was most interested in the dog.

Llama kisses

Enjoying the rain storm on the 4th of July

"On da shoulders" on a trip to Marbles

All accessorized for a walk outside. Wool hats on 90 degree days are a fashion must.

Having fun at Atlantic Beach

Water Baby in Nana's pool

I like this one because I captured the way Matt looks in my head when I close my eyes and picture his face.

just sweet.

Getting creative with her choice of canvas.

Tea Party! Becca will be glad I posted this on the internet.

Evie's 2nd Year

I can't believe she's 2. Party pictures to come!

Mama, guess what!

Evie, during our pre-nap snuggles: "Mama, guess what!"  (whispers) "Dis-a-ney Worl-ed"

Matt has been prepping for trial for what feels like a couple of decades and things have gotten pretty lonely around the Lee house. His trial starts on Monday and could last for a few weeks, so I made a decision to make a short, impromptu getaway to Orlando to visit friends and a mouse or two. It beats sitting around an empty house, but we'll sure miss Matt. Tonight we met him for dinner and when we left, Evie said, "See Dada again? Dada hold me?" Me too, Evie.

It's been a long time since my last post! Since then we made a journey out west, visited the NC Zoo and trudged through another failed fertility treatment cycle, during which I had the opportunity to become acquainted with a piece of surgical equipment shaped like this guy, only less adorable. I'm trying to think of these more as learning opportunities and chances to tweak the next cycle for a better outcome. Hopefully it will pay off in the end, but at least we'll know we gave it our best shot.

Thankfully, Evie has made the situation much more bearable by constantly making me laugh. She's expressing herself more clearly and saying the cutest things. Today, she advised Jack (Dat) to, "be a good boy! I wuff uuuuuuu!" In a more frustrating but still funny incident, I was making muffins and she kept asking for a bite. I told her I had to make them first and she said, "No make dem! Eat dem!" And this conversation was heard earlier in the week:

Evie:    No, no, Dada! Dats a bad boy!
Molly:  Evie, no bossing!
Evie:    Dada, no bossin'!
Matt:   That's called "irony," Evie.

Some pictures for ya:

downtown Steamboat

Hot springs-fed pool in Steamboat

evaluating the zoo exhibits

She asked me to take a "pitchoo" of her in front of the lion. I love the expression.

Love. This.

Evie's outfit, picked out all by herself. Marie's expression says it all.

Wuff u, Dat.

This post will be heavy on pictures, but we had a great Easter celebration!

Dyeing eggs for the Easter Bunny

I've been decorating Evie's basket for a few weeks now. I plan to add an animal or two each year. Behind it is carrot we left for the Easter Bunny. Evie was pretty impressed the next morning to find evidence that he'd nibbled on it!

the stage is set.

a victorious hunt

The Easter Bunny checking on our egg-hunting progress. He left unimpressed.

Hold me, Two Thumpers

Evie had another big event on Sunday--she slept in her new toddler bed! The first night was a little rocky with two lengthy wake-ups, but she's been sleeping like a pro ever since. That is, until I wrote that sentence. I can now hear the unmistakeable sounds of a little girl pulling toys out of her closet when she should be napping. Well, at least I got one good night out of her...

Thank you, Craigslist!

  
She can now count to thirteen! Not on command, but on the stairs she will count to "dirteen", then repeat "poteen, yiteen, poteen, yiteen." I have no idea where she learned this! She put her skills to work yesterday when she requested "yiteen" crackers.

Every night we read books in the rocking chair and always finish with Goodnight Moon. That's Evie's cue that it's time for bed, and she wiggles her way through the story, trying to find a good snuggling position for when I rock her. She apparently does listen because last night she said, "E read it!" and opened the book to the last page and said "Goonight noise everywhere." Clever girl!

Exchange at Mellow Mushroom the other night:
M- "Evie, do you know I love you?"
E - "Buh boy, Mama." (pats my head and leans in for a kiss)
She does that sort of thing a lot. I'll be so sad when she stops calling me a good/bad boy! 


Our flight leaves Saturday at 6am for Denver. Yikes. It will be a grueling day of travel with a long flight followed by a long drive, but hopefully it will be better than our last trip out west when Evie refused to sleep for 36 hours!