Lots has happened in the 3 months since I started completely neglecting this blog and led you on with promises of party pictures that never arrived. We've gone on a few little trips together, Matt's gone on a lot of work trips without us, we've gained a new niece/cousin, Evie turned 2, we went through another unsuccessful injectables cycle, are preparing to begin IVF in a few weeks and I got my job back (sort of) at Burt's Bees! Whew!
The timing for the job could not be better. It gives me something to be excited about doing when Evie is away at preschool. I know this is not usually a popular opinion, but these past two years have been the best of my life and I've been mourning the passing of her baby years when she needed so much of my nurturing. It sucks when you discover that your dream job is something available to you for a very limited number of years. Evie's entry into preschool is another reminder that my presence isn't as critical as it once was and I need to start refocusing on what to do with my life, something that made me feel indifferent at best, until this job came along. It will also be crucial for my self worth and motivation should we fall into the unhappy 40% of those who aren't successful with IVF. I'm sure the pixie dust will disperse after a while, but right now I'm really excited to be working with friends again doing projects that are challenging and fun at a company whose mission I genuinely support. They say I can work from the office or from home for as many hours as I am available. Pretty incredible deal, if it works out!
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| Back at my old desk! Even Gumby was still there to greet me! |
Starting School
The other day, seemingly out of the blue, Evie burst into tears and when I asked why she was crying said through sobs, "I don't want to go to school!" She repeats frequently that she is "just scared, not excited" to go. It feels like the more I try to talk about how great it will be, the more she frets. She knows "Mama will always come back" and pick her up when it's over, but when I ask why she's scared, she usually just gets teary and says, "Because Mama's gone." Rip my heart out.
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| A big camera provides a pretty good mask for hiding teary eyes, as it turns out. |
I can't blame her for having big emotions since no one has to do too much searching to discover who she inhereted them from. I couldn't even keep it together in her last music class. In my defense, she'd been attending for the whole year and it was significant for us because it was the first activity we did together. I was practically giddy on the first day, so excited to be dancing around like a fool with my daughter. It was the picture of what I'd always imagined motherhood would look like and I was finally getting to do it! Our last day had come more quickly than I would have liked, but I was (mostly) fine until they started playing "When You Wish Upon a Star," Evie's favorite, when the parachute came out. "Mama, listen! It's Dis-a-ney World!" And suddenly I couldn't ignore the flood of emotions and all of the thoughts about how, for me, this marked the end of her babyhood.
And now we're on the cusp of her beginning school and neither of us are handling it well. It's been really hard on me and I haven't really processed all of the reasons why, but it mostly boils down to the fact that I have never been so content and happy as I have during my time staying at home with Evie and this is the beginning of the end to that. The positive about it all is that it's another reminder to cherish my time with her and try to have big days that will create memories for both of us (with the downside including me getting choked up during readings of "Llama Llama Misses Mama"). For better or worse, there's a part of me that sees IVF as my last chance at creating a time machine so I can experience all of this again. Oh, I hope it works...
Here's a photo dump from the past few months:
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| just lookin' cute. |
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| We took her to Matt's cousin's farm to see the horses, but she was most interested in the dog. |
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| Llama kisses |
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| Enjoying the rain storm on the 4th of July |
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| "On da shoulders" on a trip to Marbles |
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| All accessorized for a walk outside. Wool hats on 90 degree days are a fashion must. |
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| Having fun at Atlantic Beach |
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| Water Baby in Nana's pool |
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| I like this one because I captured the way Matt looks in my head when I close my eyes and picture his face. |
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| just sweet. |
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| Getting creative with her choice of canvas. |
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| Tea Party! Becca will be glad I posted this on the internet. |
